13 One-Liners by Steven Wright

Comedian Steven Wright has a unique comedy style. He asks questions and makes observations most people never think of. Here is a sample:

I don’t walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
I was walking through the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me. And I didn’t hear it.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
I used to work for the factory where they make hydrants, but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I’m going to court next week. I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case. 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant …I don’t think they did it.
If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light, then you turned your lights on, would they do anything?
I broke a mirror in my house, and you’re supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it’s going to be up all night.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it, so I’m going to move to New York.
I wrote a book. I have the page numbers done, and now I just have to fill in the rest.
I wrote a song too, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is.
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world …maybe you’ve seen it.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?